Insurance jokes

  • In the early days of our country, Patrick Henry said, "Give me liberty, or give me death." Nathan Hale said, "I regret that I have but one life to give for my country." and John Hancock said, "Have I got a life insurance policy for you!"
  • I have a very dependable insurance company. In the thirty years I have been insured, they have never missed sending me a bill for my premium payment.
  • Would Transformers buy life insurance … or car insurance?
  • There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an entire evening with an insurance salesman?
  • We have a great insurance policy at work. Have you read it? The benefit is that if we die, our families no longer have to pay the premiums.
  • There's a plan to allow banks to merge with insurance companies. This would produce a new race of super-boring human beings.
  • The agent told him, "Yes, your policy does cover you falling off the roof, but it doesn't cover your hitting the ground."
  • Laughter is the best medicine, but your insurance only covers chuckles, snickers and giggles.
  • "Sir, I think you misunderstood. The million dollar umbrella policy only covers you for claims involving an umbrella."
  • I have a group life insurance policy that pays off if I die in a group.
  • I have an old-age policy. When I reach ninety, they give me fifty dollars a week so I don't have to be a burden on my parents.
  • I have extensive earthquake and fire policies on my home. I call them my Shake 'n' Bake policies.
  • I have some retirement policy. If I pay my premiums faithfully, in the years my insurance man can retire.
  • My fire and theft insurance only pays me if I am robbed while my house is burning.
  • My insurance company has a catchy slogan: "Long after you're gone, we'll still be here."
  • I used to sell life insurance. But life insurance is a really weird concept. You really don't get anything for it. It works like this: You pay me money. And when you die, I'll pay you money.
  • Insurance is a unique modern atrocity. At the dawn of man, there was no insurance. You either lived or died. There was no fast-grunting biped called Homo deductus demanding a piece of your meat every month to guarantee that your fire wouldn't go out.
  • I just saved a bunch of money on auto insurance by switching my car into reverse and driving away from the accident.
  • Filing an insurance claim is a chance to test out how creative one can be with the truth.
  • When a marketing officer asked an actuary why he recommended selling more life insurance policies to 98-year-olds, the actuary replied, “According to our tables, very few of them die each year.”
  • Insurance agents never retire, they just expire.
  • Insurance agents are premium lovers.
  • What´s the best thing about turning 65? No more calls from life insurance agents.
  • A life insurance agent was completing an application and got to the part on health history. He asked his client how his grandfather died. This was his client´s startling answer. "I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather...Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car."
  • Buying insurance is what keeps people poor so that they can end up dying rich.
  • "I don't want to tell you how much insurance I carry with the Prudential, but all I can say is: when I go, they go too."
  • Now seriously, are you curious about how big a hole insurance can burn in your wallet?

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